Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
