she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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