i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
