woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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