I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Randomize
