i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
