Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
