I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
