After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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