you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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