Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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