come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
