he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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