remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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