Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
