I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
