fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
