Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
