Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
