I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Come on in and take your pants off
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
