he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
