i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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