Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
