I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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