Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
