My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
