My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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