I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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