just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
The feeling are messing with the penis
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
