I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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