I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
