Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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