textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
