you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
