I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
