So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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