Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
