your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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