I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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