and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Randomize
