found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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