I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
