Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
