I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
