I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
