i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Randomize
