I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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