she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
