Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
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