My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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