i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
he puts the penis in happiness.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
