Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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