Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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