Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
